No Talking Tuesday # 112

Made a mistake today... I had been doing well of late, frig on me.

I had just finished an experimental coffee making session
where I hand crushed the beans with a mortar and pestle
and in my excitement upon re emerging from the kitchen
with the steaming stove top percolator in hand
I said out-loud "Hey Jun."
(And probably would have gone on to say "Want some hand ground coffee!?")

My excitement and whimsical jubilation immediately deflated
as I stood frozen, crushing self loathing taking its stead.
Jun for his part clutched at his heart in a show of sympathy.
There wasn't much to do after
but cry into my incredibly delicious cup of hand crushed Ethiopian coffee.

No Talking Tuesday # 111


Look at all those ones!
Back in California.
No list nothing special to report.

It's No Use
I'll Feel a Whole Lot Better





My plane finally lands
into her arms again.
The confusion of dodged kisses
and limp caresses, are passed with little notice.

Later,
cuddles and lips slide
familiar smells remembered
fingers come alive
sliding through hair
over collar bones.

She begins to warm
and suddenly barks in frustration:
"Why do you have to be so fucking cute?"

I wondered aloud:
"Why is that a problem?"

And she explained why.
Explained what she had done.
How she had moved on:
"...that's why I've been acting weird."

And went on to explain:
"It would never work between us."

I stared into the bottom of my cup of tea.
Taking sips in pace with my racing thoughts.

She saw I had recoiled from her
pressed into the arm of the couch
and she observed:
"You're acting like you find me repulsive."

And she was right.

She explained:
"I can't give you what you want.
Haven't you ever thought of that?"

Of course I had.
It's almost all I thought about.

A heavy stomach full of hurt and tea.
I calmed my thoughts and reflected out loud with a ting of comfort:
"At least it's resolved."

She reacted with hurt surprise:
"So that's all it took?"

Of course that's all it took.
She thought her hold on me so tight
I might accept the position of side dish in her life.
To be cut into whenever pleased her roaming palate.
Like a greasy cup of potato salad
smeared and colored from the same knife used for the rest.
But I won't be used with the rest.

She hurriedly explained that had I been someone else
she wouldn't have mentioned it
but she knew I wasn't okay with this sort of thing.
And she was right.
I am not okay with her world of faceless indulgence
disposable pleasure, and hushed conscience.
I had never belonged to her world, and pray I never do.

I long understood
and explained to myself more than to her:
"We want different things at different times..."

She almost didn't hear me.
And begun to look sad.
Though I knew it wasn't the sadness of loss.
She's still a long way from realizing that.

Freed from the paralysis of choice
settled in my sadness
sure footed in my exit
I began:
"You don't have to worry about me."

And maybe she was.
Or maybe she lamented the loss of a choice
she could no longer revel in the discarding of.

She burst out one final time at the door:
"What, so we're never going to talk again?!"

I quoted back to her one of the many splintered lines
she loved to drag over my skin in days past:
"We already know: 'A friendship between us won't work.'"

A kiss on the cheek
and a gentle press, already empty of soul.
I carried her downcast expression with my last words:
"Don't be sad...
Take care."

It was oddly appropriate I had a suitcase at hand.
I gripped it's firm leather
and walked down the steps, and into the night
the first of many I suppose.



I had always taken the high road with her
and now I was falling from it
observing the horrifying beauty of the world I'm crash landing.

There is freedom in the fall
the first of many I suppose.

The Byrds - It's No Use

The Byrds - I'll Feel A Whole Lot Better

It's no use saying you're gonna stay If you don't want to be all mine I haven't got room for somebody who Is gonna hurt me all the time Somebody who couldn't see All the love I was trying to give It's no use saying you're gonna stay If you don't want all our love to live It's no use keeping you around If you don't want me all the way There's somebody new who can be found And I'll find her someday And she will be everything All the love she has she'll want to give It's no use saying you're gonna stay If you don't want all our love to live Oh I should be good to you but I can't cause before I was really true to you but you only hurt me more It's no use saying you're gonna stay If you don't want to be all mine I haven't got room for somebody who Is going to hurt me all the time Somebody who couldn't see All the love I was trying to give It's no use saying you're gonna stay If you don't want all our love to live

The reason why, Oh, I can say, I have to let you go, babe. And right away. After what you did I can't stay on. And I'll probably feel a whole lot better When you're gone. Baby, for a long time You had me believe That your love was all mine And that's the way it would be. But I didn't know That you were putting me on. And I'll probably feel a whole lot better When you're gone. Now, I've got to say That it's not like before, And I'm not gonna play Your games any more. After what you did I can't stay on. And I'll probably feel a whole lot better When you're gone. Oh, when you're gone. Oh, when you're gone. Oh, when you're gone.

No Talking Tuesday # 110


My final no talking Tuesday in Greece.
Also my final day working at the bookshop
a day of goodbyes to the amazing people
I've been working with the last six weeks.

We spent the day exploring a small island
mostly abandoned except for an aged monastery at its peak.

James had the interesting idea for everyone to go into no talking mode
from the moment we stepped foot on the island until we got back on the ferry.

I of course was mute as usual,
but it was interesting to spend the hours hiking
exploring a foreign space with a group of people
I had unexpectedly grown close to
communicating without words
but understanding all the same.
It was like a condensed representation
of my Greece trip as a whole.


The List:

You know I'm down. I do need to
pack first, and as I'm sure is
the case with you (More so me
because I didn't nap) We need to
sleep, also Vlad May wake me
up for sunrise. But all that being
said I do realize the ________
But these logistical hurdles
are probably good to keep things
sensible.

Agreed
Let's save a credit. Encourage
you to cash it in, in the future

So mean.

Also I'm worried what could happen

Ok yes. But I'm showering and packing
so it's going to be a while...

From now: One hour

If it doesn't work out, seriously don't stress about it.

Ditto



Chill with the gang
and eat something

Yea but they don't open
until 3pm?

Bus leaves in ten
minutes, but if
people want to
pitch in like €3
each I'll just
get a car?

If we do I wouldn't
have to leave now

Ferry = 3:30


We meeting up in
Athens, you, Ellie
James?

I can definitely
hang out
on the 4rth
but don't do anything
crazy to change your
plans, I just didn't
know if you were
leaving for Athens
soon.

Feathers in Smoke


Our feathers wet with smoke
heat about our necks
bobbing shoulder blades
muffled muscles strain
peeling flesh yawning
wet shudders sinking
heavy inside
burned and buried
beneath you
hushed and smothered
beneath you
our pale shadows stare
into silence daring
all i know
and don't see
i can't see
we could try a little harder
but why should we bother?